A Hustling Actor

Monday was the official start of my no-carbs to get down to competition weight, so every time I had a craving, I put it down in a list of foods I would have once the competition was done. Our subway stop happens to have a Cinnabon inside, so even though I have never gotten one from there before, on Monday it killed me as I headed to my Standardized patient work. We did 3 scenarios and although it was definitely weird to have my partner play my husband in the first 2 scenarios and my father in the 3^rd, I think it all worked out in the end.

That night we only went to the 8 o’clock class of BJJ, but I was put in for the last bit of situational rolling of the 7 o’clock class. When our class actually started, the competitors went off to one side, then we drilled while the others did technique. We did our guard passes, take the back and back escape, collar chokes, kimura sweeps and bridge and rolls. I was with someone newer, so I did a mix of what the competing adults were doing and what the competing kids were doing.

I chose her for the first roll at the end of class, and while I don’t think either of us got any submissions, I definitely didn’t hustle like I should have. I was too busy avoiding the blue belts, (and getting kicked in the head) which won’t actually be an issue at the competition. Then, I went against one of the teens who is competing. I got an Ezekiel and a collar choke, but he escaped my armbar and didn’t let me get my kimura on him. He’s also definitely going way too easy on me. Next, I went against one of the adults who isn’t competing, and tapped prematurely for things I usually don’t even tap for, because I was worried about getting an injury before the competition. Before last I was with a blue belt who went super easy to let me work on things like getting out of bad positions, which wasn’t quite competition hustling, but was really nice. Finally, I was back with my training partner, who submitted me with an armbar. Which sucked because she doesn’t usually submit me. And I can argue that it was because there were blue belts in the way that prevented me from doing my escape, but I also think I didn’t hustle enough and kind of deserved it.

On Tuesday I knew I wouldn’t be making it to class, so I lifted in the morning, then headed out to my standardized patient work. We’re not allowed to talk about the scenarios or what happened, but I will say that #metoo was a huge topic of conversation today, and it’s incredible to see the difference even a year makes. Perhaps I was keenly aware of it because after work I headed to Hot Docs so I could hear Tarana Burke, the original founder of the #metoo movement, speak. It was a special treat from the TAWC committee for my involvement with the Content Development Sessions, and there were a lot of the ACTRA women there. It was a thought-provoking, inspiring night and I am so glad I had the chance to be there.

Once my evening was over, I headed to the gym so Arsen could drive me home. Having officially switched my weight class registration that morning, there was no going back on the no carbs and strict diet to make weight. Knowing this, he had meal prepped for me a recipe that he fixed so it would be delicious but have none of the things I wasn’t allowed. #bestboyfriendever

On Wednesday I woke up with keto/no-carb flu. My body is definitely not used to no carbs and no sugar so it retaliated by making me tired and nauseous and sick. Luckily, I had myself a banana and powered through because I had work to do. I had to finalize things with the director for our content development session on directing and watched the final cut of a movie I shot the summer before last (it was cool because the script was changed after I filmed my scenes, so I had no idea how it ended).

By the way, I say I powered through because it sounds dramatic for the blog, but you need to be healthy. I actually called my coach, told her how I was feeling and she gave me more details into what I was allowed to be eating and how I should be compensating for the lack of carbs in my diet. Like eating a lot more protein and vegetables. I did not just keep starving myself and hoping it would go away. But I didn’t give up either. I just readjusted my plan to make sure I could perform and make weight. In a healthy way.

I went to both classes that night to make up for the fact that I didn’t go the day before. We were only 2 adults at 7, so we were paired together for lots of escapes from positions like side control, 100kg, knee on belly, which are super useful to know, because I am always stuck in those. We did some situational rolling, then I had a few rolls with guys that are a lot newer, and younger than me, who I don’t think usually submit me, but each did tonight. So not so confident going into the 8 o’clock class.

I was paired with another competitor and we worked on our takedowns and submissions and sweeps and just all kinds of things, but not in the easy way where you demonstrate that you know the technique…we did it in the hard way where you try to do the technique while the other person tries to not let you. Like when you’re rolling. Which isn’t my strong suit.

One of the guys I rolled with that night was newer, but really strong, and maybe because I was more experienced than him (and because I submitted him a few times the last time we rolled), he actually went really hard. I’m used to almost all the guys being stronger than me, but they usually also know technique better, so I feel safe that they know what they are doing every step of the way and won’t just use force half-hazardly. I don’t know about his weight and size versus mine, but I do know that I did not enjoy it, and it was the first time during jiu-jitsu where I teared up and kind of wanted to cry once it was over. I didn’t, but I can’t explain why I felt that way. Maybe I was overwhelmed by the competition and the lack of sweets in my life, but it was the first time I wasn’t smiling. I was really quiet when I mopped the mats, went shopping and drove home. It wasn’t until we were alone in the car and I told Arsen what happened that I felt better. Not that the guy did anything wrong, but admitting that I had felt that way? I don’t know.

On Thursday morning I had a job interview, then went home to prepare for an audition for a show that is currently airing (by watching a few episodes. Which is a good and a terrible idea sometimes). Then I got ready and headed out for a commercial audition. I can’t wait until I am doing so many of these that they don’t faze me at all and I know exactly what I am doing. I had prepared my lines 2 different ways, whether they were going for a more ‘uplifting commercial’ or ‘gravity of the situation’ vibe. When I got in the room, he asked me to do it 3 times per take, in 3 different ways. By the end, I repeated the line about 9 times and I think only 7 of them came out as what I wanted them to be and 2 were more like…how can I make this different than what I have just been doing? I do think 7 out of 9 isn’t bad, but I am also grateful for this learning experience, so next time I’ll prepare more variety and won’t be caught off guard.

I went home and got ready for some background work, then rushed to Ayisha for a 5 minute self tape. It was a single line that I had already done my homework for, and 5 minutes was literally all I had before I needed to leave for Mississauga. Luckily, I went to the best, so we got a couple of takes, got a slate and I was out of there before my parking even ran out.

The background work ended just before 3 am, so I let myself sleep in on Friday, then spent the morning preparing for my audition that afternoon.

It was a very interesting kind of audition, because while you usually have a script that you get to discover and make choice and make your own, this time the script was from an episode of something that is already out there and has already been done. Without giving details, it’s kind of like there was a movie they were turning into a tv show, and you know they want you to match the person who played your character in the movie, so you watch it and see that your audition scene in pretty much word for word what happens in a scene in the movie. When I went to Ayisha to work on it, she had told me to copy what I saw in the movie. When I met with her, she tried to tweak things based on what the script said, so we ultimately decided to pretend we had never seen the movie, and to make the character mine, to the best of my abilities. We ran it a bunch of times, finding different levels and motivations before I headed to the audition.

Even though I was nervous about the audition, I was also so excited to be in a casting office again, auditioning, and I was confident in the work that I had done. I went in the room, did the scene once, she told me I did a good job, thanked me and I was out of there.

I did get a bit of a “that was it?” feeling as I was walking out, but I stumbled into a friend and left feeling more like a working actor than I have in a while. Maybe working isn’t the best descriptor…a hustling actor. That’s what I felt like. Someone who hustles and makes things happen/their dreams come true.

That night we went to BJJ class for a special session with Endeavour rehab, where they showed us a bunch of warm ups and exercises for our competition the next day. I made some snacks for the competition and then we went to bed, as ready as we could be.

 

“Victim means you succumbed, but survivor means you overcame.”

-Tarana Burke

Drills and TAWC

I’m hoping you haven’t, but you may have noticed some weird things with the blog this past week. If you use the www.amandalynnpetrin.com link, it disappeared for a while and now either looks funny and is not secure, or you can’t reach it. Does anyone who reads this have a knack for websites? I will slowly but surely figure it out, but for now the blog lives at wordpress.com and my website is a work in progress. I’ll keep you posted on how that goes.

On Monday I finally got to catch up on all the things I have been putting off, like figuring out the blog, answering emails and applying to thrival jobs. I also watched the Oscars, and the red carpet, which is always interesting.

Monday was my first time back in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class since the 15^th, and if I thought it would be an easy transition back into it, I was wrong. I expected the 7 o’clock class to be drills and situational rolling, like it usually is, but I was definitely looking forward to the 8 o’clock technique class, which did not come. You see, I probably forgot to mention that I signed up for the Next Gen Jiu-Jitsu tournament in Niagara Falls this Saturday. As one of the people who are competing, technique was replaced by drills for me. Guard passes, submissions from guard, armbars and escapes… Gözde and I made it interesting by counting in German.

I was recently warned that you shouldn’t roll and tell, but I feel like I skate over the jiu-jitsu in this blog, and it’s not like I’m naming names. So, my first roll of the night was against a guy, who has a little less experience than me, but still knows what he is doing. And, since I was one of the ones teaching him the moves when he got here, I think he takes it less easy on me (I am so terrible at figuring out when someone is taking it easy on me, so I could be wrong). Although I didn’t submit him, he didn’t manage to submit me either. Which I consider a win. But I’d have to pay attention to the points.

My second was with a blue belt who knows everything so he just found multiple ways to submit me and I tapped out constantly. Not that I have one in jiu-jitsu, but it’s good to keep the ego in check. My next two rounds were also people submitting me more than I should have, before I was paired with someone newer and younger, but also stronger. Luckily for me, he tries to use technique when he rolls with me, not his strength, so although he could have hustled and pummeled me, I ended up getting him with 2 chokes, then trying to nail an Americana when the bell rang. Even if it hadn’t though, there was no way he was letting me bend that arm. My last roll was with Arsen who used it as extra training for me, giving me tips and advice throughout. For instance, I lean too much on one side when I do things, which allows me to be swept. But I keep the half guard. So I thought I was good. Not the case.

 On Tuesday I helped out with an afterschool Jiu-Jitsu program. We had 4 students, 2 of them absolutely new, and every one of them killed it. It was exciting and inspiring to see them trying so hard and achieving their goals.

That night, we did drills again and trained for the competition. Ayisha realized that one of my biggest issues is that I am comfortable being on my back while rolling. I specifically chose to roll with the biggest guys when I was starting out, so I would get used to being on the bottom, with someone’s weight on top of me while I work to get out. However, she also realized that no one ever really puts all their weight on me. So, she told everyone that from now on, they need to crush me, with all their weight, until I understand that I don’t want to be on the bottom. People did go heavier, but Arsen, who Ayisha had singled out, made sure to put all his weight on me, crushing me so I couldn’t breathe. He says it hurt him more than it hurt me, but I’m not sure I believe him.

On Wednesday I had a training for standardized patient stuff, then again braved the snow for a TAWC meeting in the afternoon. It’s crazy to think that a year ago I was attending my first ever TAWC meeting, having only discovered the Toronto ACTRA Women’s Committee during their workshop with Adrienne Mitchell at the ACTRA conference. Now I not only attend the meetings, I am actually spearheading our Content Development Sessions, where we bring amazingly talented people (mostly women) in to give workshops or talk on panels that will give ACTRA members the skills and the confidence to create their own work.  Love what we do and being a part of something I find incredible.

That night we had drills again, but after we finished with the regular drills, we started timed drills of the guard passes. Then went (almost) right into rolling. Most of my rolls were with Gözde, and I definitely rolled my eyes the third time I was put with her, but my coach was quick to point out that they kept putting us back together because there was something she wanted us to learn from each other, and we hadn’t figured it out yet.

On Thursday I was doing background outside, so I was freezing, but it was a really cool set to be on, and they did their best with blankets and hot shots and hot chocolate and tea and stuff. I got home and immediately had a humungus cup of tea, then signed up for another BJJ tournament, the Ontario Open, in May. No rest for the wicked, right?

Friday I tried to coordinate the April Content Development Session for TAWC while listening to interviews with Kathryn Hahn. I saw her on an actor’s roundtable and remembered how she used to always play the best friend, but now she has these really interesting characters and she’s killing it and I would love to have a career like hers. I also went to drop off some resumes in person, because internet applications can only do so much.

That night we trained super hard at BJJ. We did 50 minutes of timed drills, then got a nice water break before rolling. I may have taken advantage of the fact that there was a new guy who had only done 3 classes, which I felt bad for since we rolled twice, but I also tried to roll harder and not give in for my other matches as well.

When class was done we went over to McSorley’s for my first steak night in forever. Since I had just decided that I was going to see if I could make it into a lower weight category before the deadline, going out wasn’t my favorite idea, but I had a yummy salad with strips of steak and little button mushrooms in it.

Saturday flew by, with sleeping in more than we should have, cleaning and organizing, followed by takedown class and open mat. Ohenewa taught us an easy takedown we could use for the competition, then Arsen tried to teach me things during open mat. Hopefully it’s all registering somewhere in my brain.

Sunday was back to being a family day, where we went to eat at Arsen’s parents. So much delicious food that I mostly had to stay away from, though I did allow myself a taste. It sucks being far away from my family, especially when big things are going on, but it’s really nice to still have a family that will let me hang out with them.

 

“Under pressure, you don’t rise to the occasion, you sink to the level of your training.”

-NAVY SEAL

Gemeaux in Montreal

So it turns out that the event we went to during TIFF was not so much a TIFF event, as TIFF adjacent. It was honoring Rosamund Pike and her new film, A Private War, but it had more to do with female empowerment than the international film festival. It was an honor to be invited and is the exact kind of thing I hope to get involved in someday. I am putting this TIFF down as the one I paid attention to, so next year I will know what to expect and what I want to be a part of.

The following weekend I headed back to Montreal, where it was mostly family with a big touch of fancy. On Friday night, we went out for supper with my family, then came home where Ayisha discovered my secret past as commercial actor. My parents then decided to whip out the videos, which prove that once upon a time I was a cutie.

Saturday started out with a mimosa brunch before we went bridesmaid dress shopping for Rikki’s wedding. Three of us said yes to the dress J (does that count for bridesmaids?) After shoe shopping with Ayisha and meeting her mom, we again had supper with all my family, then went home and watched American Ninja Warrior while knitting. A perfect combo, right?

Sunday was Gemeaux day. I hung out with my friend JF, plotting shorts and catching up while Ayisha got ready and went to the afternoon gala, where she won the Gemeaux for Best Supporting Actress in a Drama Series for her role on Unite 9. I got to walk the red carpet and be her date for the evening gala, where her show was on fire and she presented an award.

It was a night of highlights, but I think one of my favorite moments was walking into Reuben’s after it was all over, decked out in our gorgeous gowns and ordering some smoked meat. We changed back into our normal clothes and just hung out. Still, it wasn’t like the fairytale was over and the carriage was turning back into a pumpkin though, because this is life. It was eye opening to see that this was all just a part of the life of being an actor. Just like being in Los Angeles simultaneously made me feel like my dreams were so close and also so far away, this night made them feel equally attainable and impossible. Because it’s all just a part of the hustle. One minute you’re on stage accepting an award and the next you’re running lines on your way to an audition. Or one minute fans are tweeting to say your performance brought them to tears and the next you’re being released from a hold without even being notified. The closer I get to working actors, the more the dream becomes a possibility, but also a reality. Because I understand the ups and downs and how making it doesn’t change things into constant trailers and red carpets. Which is why you gotta love it. And I do. I love all of it.

On Monday morning I worked a bit with my mom and helped Ayisha with a self tape before we slowly started making our way back to Toronto. Her mom treated us to a delicious lunch and we returned our dresses to the incredible designer who loaned them to us and proceeded to treat us like friends once we get there.

We got to Toronto much later than expected, but it was a wonderful weekend. And I couldn’t be prouder of Ayisha. This girl works so hard at everything she does and doesn’t even realize how amazing she is. And as busy as all of her endeavors constantly make her, she is always trying to help others, with small things like self tapes and finding an agent, to huge things like figuring out your entire life. She’s incredible. I’m in awe of her; this weekend and always. I am so honored and lucky to have her as one of my closest friends, and I can’t imagine how different my life would be if I hadn’t walked into her gym 9 months ago.

 

“Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for a while, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same.”

-Flavia Weedn

I started off my week with a pole dancing class, where we learnt a fun routine that looked way out of my reach before we started, but was looking pretty good by the end of class.

That evening, I went to the Monday night ‘Amazon’ BJJ class. A huge part of me wants to get completely discouraged when I keep ending up on the bottom, or tapping out, but then I remind myself that I am a beginner, who is still learning, and the reason why I feel like I am doing worse than when I started is because people are no longer treating me like I have no idea what I am doing. Which I think is a good thing?

On Tuesday I worked as a standardized patient, then went to NOGI Jiu-Jitsu in the evening. Being the only girl with a bunch of guys no longer means that I am going to have an easier time and get coached through every move, but I am still learning a lot. And I find it a lot easier to remember why I don’t want to be in a certain position after I have had someone do something to me in that position. For instance, I used to squirm out of someone’s control by turning my back to them, which worked when they were taking it easy on me and letting me. David and Ayisha kept telling me not to show my back, but I didn’t really see it as an issue. Until people started taking advantage of my turning my back. Using it to get me into chokeholds and such. Now, when my back even starts to get exposed, I immediately work on changing my position, because I know it’s somewhere I don’t want to be.

On Wednesday I got a private boxing bootcamp lesson. They’re cool because you get a lot of attention and get worked hard, but you also have to be ‘on’ the whole time. If you slow down or modify a move in a class with a bunch of people, there’s a good chance the teacher won’t notice. If you’re the only student, chances are that he will. Which ultimately gets me a better workout, and sometimes hurts my pride. But I still love it. Especially the padwork at the end, where we learn combos and I feel both incompetent and like a badass at the same time. I know what I have to do, but my body often doesn’t listen. Like with my hands, for keeping my guard up. I think I might need to get knocked out when my hands are down so I’ll always remember to keep them up in the future?

That afternoon, I headed to the ACTRA offices for the TAWC meeting. I’m not sure if I have mentioned this, but I really love how ACTRA Toronto not only considers me a member, they let me be a part of things, like this committee. At the end, we got a crash course on social media, so the meeting ran a little late and I had to rush to get to my jiu-jitsu course.

I believe it was my first Wednesday class, so I wasn’t sure what to expect, and ended up in a class where everyone was at least 15 years younger than me. They still usually manage to get the upper hand on me, which is fine, but sometimes I get to be the one who knows a little more and teaches them something. The moves I remember most are the ones I have helped someone else to do.

I was back to being on the younger end for the 8 o’clock class, which was busier. Afterwards, we all went out for steak nite at a local pub. It was really nice to get to know everyone as people rather than just as jiu-jitsu classmates and teachers. Great food, amazing company…an awesome Wednesday night.

On Thursday I had a friend come over, partially to keep introducing them to Buffy, but mostly to ensure that I wouldn’t find an excuse to not go to the monkey vault that evening. I had thoroughly enjoyed my last visit there, but the combination of class, staying after class and then doing a boxing bootcamp right after had left me with arms that felt dead for nearly a week afterwards.

In the end, not only did I make it, but I brought my roommate and the friend with me. This class concentrated a lot more on jumps, rather than climbing, so my arms were fine, and I started getting more comfortable with a few things. Which is surprising, because my roommate pulled a muscle before we were halfway through the class and had to sit the rest out. In her defense, she was doing awesome up to that point, and came back for the hanging competition, whereas I would have wanted to use my leg as an excuse to not have to do that.

We stayed after class, having fun with the equipment, and I showed them what I had learnt last time I came. I am still hesitant with a lot of things, and know it is my fear that is holding me back, but whenever I trusted myself and tried things, it always worked out for the best.

We rewarded ourselves with some Burger Priest and a whole lot of Buffy

The next morning I went to another boxing bootcamp where it was just me and the teacher, where I got quite a workout in. He also tends to film snippets of me doing the moves, so while I feel like I am doing them right, I get to watch the videos and make the necessary adjustments. After the circuit training we learnt a new combo where we focused on speed, which was really fun. At the end, he stayed longer to show me how to kick.

Eventually, he headed out and I stayed for a jiu-jitsu class, which has always been me and 2 other people so far, but this time we were a bunch of us. We worked on some techniques, with Ayisha giving us all kinds of pointers, then there was rolling, which we don’t usually do on Fridays.

I went home and worked on things, such as releasing the trailer for The Anniversary and getting it on imdb, which I am super proud of. We are in the final steps of post production and I can’t wait to see the finished product of my first filmmaker adventure.

I had full intentions of going to gymnastics that night, but just as I was finishing supper, my roommate invited me out to some parties with other actors, so I spent the night networking instead. Or, you know, making friends and cultivating relationships, which is super important career-wise, and good for the soul.

On Saturday, I was one of the volunteer actors for a Director’s Workshop at Ryerson, where I met an amazing director and a lovely group of actors, then got to be directed by one of the students. It was really interesting to see the different approaches different directors take to the same material.

I had some time to kill, so instead of going back home for a few hours, I caught up on some movies. Annihilation, Pacific Rim: Uprising and Tomb Raider were the ones I saw, 2 of them with my roommate, and I was thrilled to see that all 3 featured some amazing, badass, strong female characters for young girls to look up to, that I would absolutely love to play.

After the movies, my roommate and I headed to the closing party of the Canadian Film Fest, where we got to support local filmmakers, mingle and dance the night away. It was an awesome, inspiring night and a peak into a world I can’t wait to really be a part of.

On Sunday I went to a pole dancing class and had a lot of trouble pushing through the pain of squeezing my bruised shins against the pole. But we also learnt a really cool and (I found) easy spin that was not painful. So silver lining!

Afterwards, I had some friends come over for an afternoon of brainstorming and coming up with an idea for a short that we could shoot together. We started out by figuring out everyone’s goals for the project, and by the end we had a story that met all of them. I can’t wait for our next session, and all the amazing projects we hope to do together.

Monday I packed up and headed to 4 points, because although I had to drive to Montreal, I didn’t want to miss more classes than I had to, and especially not the Amazons class on Monday nights. I left before the rolling, but at least I got in my techniques 😉

 

“If you have a good idea, get it out there. For every idea I’ve realized, I have ten I sat on for a decade till someone else did it first. Write it. Shoot it. Publish it. Crochet it, sauté it, whatever. MAKE.”

-Joss Whedon

This week was busy, which is just how I like it. It started off with work at Michener, with a bit of suspension of disbelief when my ‘scene partner’ went from playing my 23 year old husband to playing my father. Either way, it is always so much fun to be able to play off of someone in those scenarios.

New demo reel 🙂

When work was done, I headed over to 4 points to be one of the Amazons at the 7 pm class. Women are welcome in all of the classes, but if one feels like she would rather try a class when she knows there are other women who will be there, she can sign up for this one. There are guys too, but we outnumbered them this week. With 10 girls and slightly less guys, I ended up being paired with a girl who was there for her first ever jiu-jitsu class. The teacher came over to make sure I had the technique right, so I did it on her a few times, then guided her through doing it on me. There was a lot of uncertainty and trying to figure out which side to do certain things on, but we made it through. I also told her that it would be a good idea to stay for the second class, because while I struggled through figuring it out, most of the guys who showed up for the later class know what they are doing and have been incredibly helpful in teaching me the techniques.

For the rolling, I completely made the mistake of acting like all the guys did with me, where they won’t attack or take the upper hand, they just wait for me to figure things out. At the same time, I really appreciated that my first ever time rolling, when I knew nothing. There was someone I had rolled with last week and they had simply used their strength against me, grabbing my wrists tight enough to bruise, so I was slightly reluctant when paired with them this week. A few moments in, I asked them how long they had been doing Jiu-Jitsu and found out it was their second week. I actually knew more than they did! So, instead of trying to win or get the upper hand, I talked them through the techniques they could use to get out of my guard, or to get control over me, without just using all their strength. I tapped out 3 times that roll, but it was because I showed them how to overpower me. Which still feels like a win in my book.

On Tuesday I worked all day as an SP, starting with an incredibly topical role that brought up a lot of conversations, most of them really inspiring, while some comments reminded me why a #metoo movement and #believeher is so important.

In the evening, I had a scenario that hit so close to home during the dry run, having spent the week at the hospital in a much less severe, but still similar situation. This week I was thankfully out of that situation personally, but it was incredibly easy to put myself into that emotional state. The tears poured freely, even with the frequent time-outs to discuss how things were going.

Wine and cheesing at the ACTRA Member’s Conference.

On Wednesday I had a fitting for some background, then came home to sleep because I was under the impression that I had an overnight shoot, followed by a 5 am call time with potentially no time to sleep in between. Luckily, that wasn’t the case, but it took a while for me to find that out.

I had brought my car to set before, but this was the first time that I was actually asked to drive it in the scene while being background. The part that worried me of this was after they call cut, when you have to back your car back up to the original position, while the crew and the other extras who had crosses are all wandering around because they know the street has been blocked off for them. After the first take, a guy told me to honk twice to let everyone know I was backing up, then said he would guide me, so he went behind my car and walked backwards, gesturing with his hands for me to go straight or to turn, telling me I was doing great. At one point, we had to stop for another car to turn around, so he waited by the side of my car and said, “This is what happens when you get BG for ND drivers.” into his radio. He kept telling me I was doing great, and I have no idea if he meant me, the car we were waiting for, or just the lot of us in general, but I felt slightly offended, and like he was underestimating me. True, I was nervous about this part, but I had only ever done exactly what I had been told to do. After future takes, he left me on my own, so I did the 2 honks and drove progressively faster to get back to my starting position.

We wrapped around 1 am, and my call time wasn’t until about 11, so I went home and slept before driving to Hamilton. It was nice to spend international women’s day on set, with a bunch of other women. There was also a stunt happening, with a very energetic and demonstrative female stunt coordinator, which I find super awesome. Especially given the date, but also just in general. Some people couldn’t wait to go home, as with every day on set, but I loved pretty much every minute of it. I met some cool people, saw some brilliant performances, and my reaction game was on point.

On Friday, to celebrate my day off, I went to a boxing class, where I was the only student, so I basically got a private lesson. It was a totally off day for me, where I found myself assuring him that I can normally do a much better, real pushup. He thought it was really cool when I told him I wanted to get into stunts, but he didn’t let me off easy. I still had to punch as hard, and he insisted my technique would need to be even better, because when he sees me on tv one day, he wants to believe that I am someone who actually boxes.

I stayed afterward for the Jiu-Jitsu class, where we were three, but there was some time between the 2 where I got to roll a bit with my boxing coach, then I worked on my handstands, because having a padded wall is almost just as good as a person who promises to catch you.

The techniques we learnt in jiu-jitsu were pretty straightforward, but I was really lucky (and a little frustrated) to have someone who was not going easy on me. When learning new techniques, you go until the other person taps out, which I usually do once they get to the end of the moves, because we’re just learning things and I assume you’ve got the gist of it. My partner, however, did not tap out until he actually had to, and purposely tried to hold his position and make me work for it. In the moment, part of me was obviously exasperated that he was making everything harder, but I also appreciated it sooooo much, because he wasn’t underestimating me, he was showing that he believed that I could do it, and was making me prove it. Which I did. It was more of a struggle than I would have preferred, but it was so much better that way.

From the Action for Film and TV Workshop

 

“Being strong doesn’t mean you’ll never get hurt. It means even when you get hurt, you’ll never let it defeat you.”

Becoming ‘That Girl’

This week, I got to spend 3 days on set doing background, which was really cool because I love being on set, and because there were stunts, so I got to watch and learn a bit and get reacquainted with some cool people.

My first day not on set, I headed downtown for a Toronto Ninjas meetup, which is the name given to the people who use Bonnie Gillespie’s wealth of information. It was awesome to catch up with some fellow actors, make new friends, find out about interesting events or classes that are going on, and just talk about acting and the industry. I had to leave early for a dry run at Michener, but even that was a lot of fun.

I went home and worked on my new demo reel, which is looking amazing. And by worked on it, I mean I watched what my super talented friend had put together for me and told him what I thought, so I can have an incredible demo reel that I am really proud of.

That night, my roommate and I went to audit Lewis Baumander’s acting class. I saw some familiar faces, and some great performances. It was really interesting to see him work with the actors and have some great discussions with us. Last, but definitely not least, he seemed like a hardworking, genuine, supportive person, which is nice to have in a teacher, or anyone you work with.

On Friday, I tried the lunchtime Jiu-Jitsu class, and received my first GI. I did karate as a kid, so I’ve had kimonos, but this is me as an adult, not just dabbling in something sport-related, but actually committing to it and investing in it. In myself. It’s just another ‘costume’, but to me it’s huge and exciting and I’m really happy about it. Like I’m a part of something

I rushed home after class to shower so I could make it to Anthony Meindl’s workshop. His studio was one of the places I trained when I was in Los Angeles, and more than just attending classes, I absolutely loved auditing his masterclasses, so I was really glad to get to watch him work again here in Toronto. His enthusiasm and love for actors and storytelling is incredible to be around, and it is inspiring to see how simple things can elevate and bring truth to a performance. A fellow Toronto Ninja performed a monologue and she was heartbreakingly beautiful.

Now the title of this post refers to ‘that girl’ in an awesome way. I mean, I definitely would have rolled my eyes and thought ‘that girl’ was crazy, back in the day, but now that I am becoming her, I have to say she is so much more than that. (but yeah, obviously crazy) You see, after more than 12 hours on set and getting up long before the sun, I headed to Jiu-Jitsu classes on both Monday and Tuesday. Hour long workouts used to be my max, and I especially enjoyed the warm up and cool down parts of them. These days, when the hour class ends and they ask if I’ll stay for the next hour and a half, I’m like “Of course.” I am bruised all over and finding out what it’s like to roll with people who don’t take it easy on me because I’m a girl and I’m new, but I am loving it. I am loving the way it makes me feel when I’m done. In general, and about myself.

On Saturday, I went to my first ever parkour class at the Monkey Vault. It was with a teacher and 2 other women, who had each been coming off and on for the past 3 years. We started with easy things, like vaults, then the obstacles got higher and higher until we were scaling walls. There was a rod to hang on to, but I haven’t always had that much faith in my own strength, and if my arms had decided to give out at certain points, I may have tumbled to my death. Or a brain injury. Or at least a lot of pain and some broken things.

This summer, I told a new friend who is really awesome in the stunt community that I wanted to be a badass and do my own stunts and stuff. He was really supportive and on board, until he asked, “Are you afraid of heights?” and my answer was, “Yes, but I do it anyway.” That wasn’t good enough for him.

Over the past few months, I have been discovering that a lot of the things that scared me were because I didn’t think I could do them. I have already shared how having trouble lifting myself up while tree trekking made me train to do pull ups so I could go back and not be afraid anymore, and it’s like this for a lot of things. It’s scary if you think you can’t do it, but if you know (or trust) that you have the strength to catch yourself, it’s incredible what you can accomplish. I mean that metaphorically, but also literally.

I was ‘that girl’ because after staying after parkour class to ‘play’ until my arms couldn’t hold me up anymore, I drove to 4 points for the boxing bootcamp. On Sunday, everything hurt, but rarely have I ever felt that fierce and accomplished. Part of me is terrified that this is some phase, or burst of motivation that will fizz out and disappear soon, but I am so excited to be becoming THAT GIRL, who goes to the gym instead of home to sleep after a long day, who does more than one workout in a day, who does the things that scare her and pushes her limits until she is doing things she only ever dreamed she could.

“This is a door. Kick it open and come in.”

“I think the greatest thing our industry does is erase the lines in the sand, we should keep doing that as the world tries to make them deeper.”

-Both from Guillermo Del Toro

Classes and Hidden Gems

This week was a combination of being really busy, and then hanging out with family. On Monday, I had an audition for a student film, where they handed me new sides at the door and had me do the scene twice, with absolutely no notes between the two takes, so I wasn’t sure if I should do it the same or make adjustments. I mostly reacted off what the reader was giving me, but also took my time rather than rushing through my lines as I often do.

As soon as I was done with the audition, I drove over to 4 points BJJ for my first Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu class with GI. I felt like the pressure was on, because I couldn’t exactly stick to my being new at this, I would be expected to remember some of the techniques I learnt two weeks ago, if not by them, then at least by me. Luckily, even the things I had learnt had small variations, now that there was something to grip on to, so I got a refresher course. One class turned into 2, with rolling, so I ended up being there for 2 and a half hours rather than the hour I had expected. And at no point did I feel like I was done and wanted to go home. I learnt all kinds of techniques and rolled with many different guys. Other than the first guy in my NOGI class, pretty much everyone I have been paired with has waited for me to make the first move, then sort of coached me into positions and moves and getting the upper hand. This is awesome and I so appreciate them taking the time to teach me new things instead of just sending me straight to the floor, but at the same time, it’s not the same rolling everyone else is doing. Thankfully, Ayisha got this, so for my last pairing, she told the guy to challenge me more, to get the upper hand so I can realize what doesn’t work, what happens when I let someone get the advantage over me, and so I can think on my feet and get out of tough situations. It was definitely more of a struggle, but it was also so much fun.

After class, Ayisha and I had a long talk about my training plans, the classes I want to take, and how the studio can use more girls trying something new. I left with a lot of advice, and the knowledge that there are a lot of cool things on the horizon!

On Tuesday, I woke up so early to get to Niagara for a Mounted Combat and Stunts Workshop. I’ll make a post just about that day, but in the meantime, here are some pictures of me putting my yoga and ballet dabbling to good use…

On Wednesday I was back at 4 Points BJJ for their 6 am boxing class, which was more bootcamp than boxing, but exactly what I needed. It was hard and I had to keep going even when I wanted to give up, but I felt incredibly accomplished afterwards. There was also a point during the workout where I became convinced I have no core, only to realize in the following days that I did, because so many things became a lot harder after this class, when my core no longer worked. I exaggerate, but only slightly. The last 15 minutes or so were actually spent boxing. Maybe it was because we were only 2 of us at this point, but Ryan, the teacher, took the time to teach us the proper stance, the footwork and armwork for jabs, crosses and hooks. These aren’t really foreign concepts for me, but this was still the first of my boxing workouts to concentrate on proper form and making sure we got it right every time. I was initially planning on just going to 4 points BJJ for the Jiu-Jitsu, but now I think I might head there at the crack of dawn to get my ass whooped (in the best way possible) a few times a week.

That evening, we had a dress rehearsal for Hidden Gems, the variety show I am participating in at an elementary school. I met some really interesting people and was blown away by the talent and charisma in all of these tiny performers.

When it finished, we headed to my first ever Dungeons and Dragons session. I left my character to chance, and ended up with a Fighter, which I thought was super cool, but as a friend pointed out, the elf wizard has way more fighting skills. And magical powers. So lesson learned, but I still had an awesome time, and liked playing the kind of kickass character I am working to be in real life.

On Thursday we did 2 performances of Hidden Gems, which went awesome, and while we couldn’t really watch the other acts again, I did get to participate in an impromptu green room rendition of Riptide, and made suggestions (that never made it to paper) on a song they wrote.

On Friday I drove home to Montreal, where I have been taking care of family things ❤

 

“It’s hard to beat a person who never gives up.”

-Babe Ruth

2018

In 2018, I resolve to act, write, and go out to do something every day. I resolve to work at least 40 hours every week on my career. I absolutely loved having CONFIDENCE as my word for 2017, and would want to keep it for this year as well, but I think you’re not supposed to, so I am going with COURAGE. As in have the courage to go up and talk to that person, to ask for help, to chase after my dreams, to do the things that scare me, to not be afraid to fail, because at least it means I’m trying. Most of all, the COURAGE to believe in myself when it is so much easier to stay small.

 

Here are the goals I hope to accomplish this year:

Believe I’m Kickass

For years now, I have been saying that I want to play kickass characters. Spies. FBI agents. Someone who survives in a post-apocalyptic world. I dabble in stunt classes, I learn some stage combat, I get my gun license…still no one ever wants to cast me in those roles. Recently, I realized that it may be because although I want to play these characters, I don’t really believe myself as them either. I took the classes, but I don’t exactly feel confident in the skills. So, to remedy this, I am giving myself this year to convince myself that I can be kickass (or play a kickass character, but they’re kind of the same thing, right?). Since the scariest part of my stunt stage classes was at the beginning, when they would have us jog for longer than I was capable of at the time, I am going to work on my stamina and strength as well. The plan is to spend the next few months training, mostly on my own, to be stronger, tougher and have more endurance (speaking of tougher, perhaps I’ll revisit the Tough Mudder training plans?). Once I am no longer intimidated by the non-stunts part of the course, I will take classes and develop the skills I want to have. Stunt classes. Combat classes. Gun ranges. Some of it will be revisiting what I have already learnt to be more confident in the execution of it, but I want to learn new stuff as well. Then, once I believe that I’m Kickass, I will work on convincing others (headshots, stunt reel, attitude). By actually forcing myself to follow through on not just a class, but an actual skillset and confidence in it, I will either realize that I like the idea more than the actual thing, or I will put in the work and show myself, and everyone who thinks I’m too sweet that there is a lot more to me than meets the eye. I am okay with either outcome, as long as I don’t half-ass it, but actually put in the effort. I will be reaching out to people I know in the industry and asking for advice once I get the ball rolling (because I don’t want to bother anyone until I would not be making a fool of myself), but I am still very open to any and all tips and suggestions. For this and anything else on the list

The Dark Shack

New Skills

Ideally, I will find something that I love and work hard at it so it becomes a new skill on my CV. However, the point of this goal is to go out there and try new things. Pole dancing. Horseback riding. Learning a new language. Trying a new dialect. Rock climbing. Actually using my boxing gloves. Trying my hand at archery. I hear they even have lightsaber combat classes. There’s a world of possibilities, and I want to try some of them.

Send a book to Publishers

After giving myself the goal of publishing a book, and then of making a story I wrote ready to be published, this year I am going to actually send something out to publishers. Luckily, I am friends with some really awesome published authors, so in addition to research, I can also ask for some insight. I don’t know if I’m more terrified of having people that I do know read my books, or people that I don’t know, but I plan to do both within the next year, then sit back and watch my comfort zone grow.

Film Something I wrote

This is one of the resolutions from last year that I achieved, and I would like to do again this year. Ideally, it would be a Member Initiated Project (MIP), which is what ACTRA calls the really low budget content that their union actors create. I would therefore have to become ACTRA for it to be an MIP, but the requirement here is just to film a short that I wrote, using the knowledge that I gained from The Anniversary last year. Some very talented friends of mine are already planning on us writing an anthology of shorts and filming them in the new year, so I hope to be really busy creating content, rather than waiting around for others to cast me. I am really lucky to have these incredibly badass friends like Danny, Nir, Michaela, and so many others who are just constantly releasing content. They inspire me so much, and I want to be like them; the ones who do stuff instead of just talking about it.

Build my Toronto Show Bible

In the entertainment industry, a show bible is what the writers use to keep track of all the characters in a show (absolutely everything they know about them) and how they are connected. My show bible starts with me, and includes everyone I know in the industry, and the information I might know about them. It’s a much lesser version of what Bonnie Gillespie recommends, but I’m working my way up. I could technically just write down everyone I currently know in Toronto who is somehow connected to the acting industry, but what I really mean is that I want to build it up. I want to go out and meet people at networking events, work with them on sets, get cast by them after an audition…I want to build up my Toronto network.

3 Nanos

The 2 camps in April and July, then the main event in November. I have so many stories and ideas and I work best with a deadline and something tracking my word count, so this is the best way for me to get the creative juices flowing and finish things.

15 Speaking Days

I’m putting the same number as last year, even though 2017 was very good to me, because I am taking into account the fact that I moved to a new city where I don’t know that many people and there is a lot of competition, as well as hoping that I will have to be doing them on union projects. I wrote “have to” in the sense that I won’t be able to do non union sets anymore, but it goes without saying that I mean “get to” and I am saying it with a humongous smile and way too much excitement.

50 Networking Events

This seems like a whole lot compared to the 15 I was trying for last year, and it’s also more than I actually achieved in 2017, but as I have resolved to go out and do something every day, and I am really lax about the definition, I figure 50 is reasonable. This can be going to a play or a screening, attending a film festival, going for coffee with a director, getting tea with a fellow actor, grabbing lunch with a casting director, meeting people at Toronto Cold Reads…not so much events as just going somewhere and talking to someone in the industry. I don’t want to worry about getting to a certain number so much as actually getting to know people and building relationships. So the 50 is more of a suggestion, to encourage myself to face the cold (or tear myself away from Netflix) to interact with real people. (Also, apparently every event I go to has to have a picture of me listening to someone talk?)

 

Since these are more goals than resolutions, I decided to include 2 items that I have no control over the outcome. They’ve been on my list many times before, and I won’t make excuses or give myself ultimatums to get them done this year, but I will put them out to the universe, and hustle to make them happen.

Get an Agent

I did a sendout when I first moved to Toronto and got a few meetings, so when I go back next week, I will follow up with them, as well as people who haven’t gotten back to me yet, and take the people who have offered me help up on their offers. I can’t exactly make this goal happen, but I can ensure that I do everything in my power to put the odds in my favor.

Join ACTRA

I know. Again? What happened to the “I’m getting in this year or I’m signing up for school in Vancouver!”? Or getting in through background work? Or all of the other ultimatums I have given myself? Believe me, I know. Nothing has changed, really, other than my acceptance that it will happen when it happens, and my feeling that I am ready for it. Which doesn’t mean much in terms of actually making it happen, but it is still one of my biggest goals this year. Luckily, Toronto seems to be a town where you can make decent money as a non-union actor, but I would still love to join. My plan is to start off the year with “100 days to join ACTRA”, so I would do at least one thing every day to get myself into the union. I will go to the ACTRA branches and meet with the people there to understand my options (as in I won’t be afraid to ask for help, or advice). I will get into the rooms where ACTRA productions are being cast (by getting invited for an audition, not by thwarting security). I will be the best darn extra on sets so if they need someone for an upgrade, I’ll be their girl. I can join AABP and do my 200 days/1600 hours (if I decide it’s worth it to give up on non union work). I will create my own content and be so awesome that those with the power to cast me can’t help but notice me. Basically, this isn’t really a goal of getting into ACTRA, so much as that I resolve to constantly be doing everything I can do to be so amazing that ACTRA really wants me in their union. Which has the same outcome, but I would rather get in because I earned it than because I wore them down (although if that works, I’m not opposed to trying it).

As for last year’s resolutions, it will take me a little more time to finish reading my Shakespeare, I have to wait for the premiere of D33P W3B (or find another friend) to learn how to drive stick and I’m still working on my cake, muffin and cookie recipes. I did, however, film a short that I wrote, and am able to cry when I need to, both on set and in life. Even though I only won 1 of the 3 Nanowrimo events I participated in, it was because suddenly my life was more exciting than the lives of the characters I was creating. I went way over the 15 networking events, and speaking days on set, then went above and beyond my November Nanowrimo word count, where I was writing about my own life (probably not the best idea emotionally, but boy do the words flow). I chose to finish Shards of Glass instead of Owens, because I felt one needed more time and work than the other, and I didn’t want to rush through the editing process just so I could check a resolution off a list. Because last year I realized that while my goals and plans are really important, I also need to be open to change, and to things I hadn’t planned for. I don’t want to sit down next year to go over my list and realize I didn’t accomplish anything but binge watch Netflix, but I also don’t want to stay home and check off boxes when I can be out there making friends, falling in love or living life.

“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.”

-e. e. cummings

Some recent filming

This past month or so, in addition to wrapping the Cohort and filming a short that I wrote, I also got to live a multitude of lives in other people’s projects. I am clearly very behind on the blog, but they still felt worth mentioning, so here is a little bit on each of them.

Another 10 Minutes

This was an interesting project, where I had so many lines, but am never on camera. Except for maybe a glimpse of my legs as I walk by. The film concentrates more on someone’s reactions to everything that I am saying, which is really a lot. Normally, when I am not on camera (and even often when I am) I feel like I have to go fast, to get through my lines. When I am a reader, it’s because I feel like the person auditioning is the one they are interested in, so my lines don’t matter. Which obviously isn’t true, because you shouldn’t be an actor waiting to say your line, and my lines give them a chance to show how alive their character is when they’re not speaking, just listening. As for when I am on camera, I am not sure if it is to show that I know my lines or some fear that my scene partner will cut me off and think that I am done if I pause. The director in this case did not want me to rush through my lines though, and he wanted pauses, so it was definitely an acting exercise for me. It was also a lesson, or a reinforcement of one of my usual practices. You see, this was the first time I got to rehearsal and to set without knowing my lines. I knew the way it was being filmed meant that I wouldn’t really be on camera and could read my lines for most of it, but I am usually someone you can count on to know her lines, including the voiceover monologue that no one was expected to memorize. Everything went fine and no one even commented on the fact that I had the script with me, and maybe he was expecting it, but I personally felt horrible. I had a bunch of lines to learn for other things where I couldn’t have the text with me, and I used that as an excuse to just familiarize myself with my lines. Which worked out this time, but is something I don’t want to be doing again. Finally, it was nice to not only meet some new friends, but to encounter some friendly and familiar faces behind the camera.

Augustine

I met the fearless writer and director of Augustine on the set of Over Easy, where he played the Tall Guy to my Woman. I played the title character of Augustine, who is a woman of few words. And interesting actions. We had a rehearsal, which was mostly a read through of the script with a meeting to explain the storyboard and wardrobe and such. He also asked us a bunch of questions about our characters, so we weren’t just people saying lines, we knew our back stories and where we were coming from. It was nice that he didn’t tell us, he let us figure it out, so it was like we played a part in creating them as well. The actual filming took two days, and was so much fun. The Champlain students who were in Montreal this semester were all so sweet and funny and it was a blast working with them, even if Augustine never really smiled. We had cupcakes for one of my costars’ birthdays and it was basically a wonderful weekend doing what I love.

Talion’s Law

This was a Trebas student film that I auditioned for and booked the same role, of Sabrina. This used to be unheard of for me, but has been happening more and more lately, which is awesome (not that I don’t love getting parts because people like working with me, or me as a person, but it’s nice to book stuff because I can act, too). The script had a rewrite between the audition and the rehearsal, so it was a bit of a cold read once I got there. I was very excited to see Lorraine was a part of the cast, and even ran my scene with me a few times at the rehearsal when my actual scene partner had to leave. Everyone on this set was so nice. I don’t know how many times I had to refuse snacks and refreshments, before ultimately giving in to homemade goodies, fresh fruit and fancy teas. There was makeup, a set photographer, and the most supportive and encouraging director, who was possibly just trying to make us feel good, but continuously seemed impressed by how great we all were, and how well we took direction. Either way, I left there feeling extremely appreciated and well taken care of.

Antoine’s Cow

This one wasn’t filming, but I did participate in a reading of the translated version of this originally French play. We had a table read a couple of days before with the playwright, then did the reading in front of the translation students who had done the honor of making it English. It was a great experience, not only because it was a fun play and a chance to live the life of a pretty interesting character in a slightly absurd play, but I also got to meet some really cool people in the process. And I know this line is something I say after almost every single project I work on, but I truly mean it, every single time.

Background

Something else I have been doing a bit of lately is background work. This is a great way to earn some extra money and learn set etiquette at the same time. I personally love watching the actors work and familiarizing myself with set terminology. It is also an excellent way to meet people, a lot of whom will also be creative types like actors, filmmakers and musicians. I also did some volunteer background work, to help out someone who had really been a humongous help to me, but I got a dance show out of it, so I’m pretty sure I still owe him.

“For me acting is about the art of it and it’s about being on a film set and doing your thing, painting a blank canvas.”

-Shailene Woodley

Almost Missed Opportunities

When I first got my facebook account, my dad made it a rule that I could only be friends with people I actually know, and have met in person. To this day, I still know every one of my facebook friends. I can tell you how I know them, possibly what they’ve been up to, as well as when and where we met. Except for all of those people that I haven’t met. Some of them are family who live far away. But some of them are potential friends I never ended up meeting, either because the projects fell through, we never shared any scenes, or, unfortunately, I flaked.

For instance, there is a guy I was supposed to have a scene with in a Tom Todoroff workshop years ago, but I ended up cancelling at the last minute. I had a valid excuse, because I had a freak accident that left me shaken and bruised, but it was just that…an excuse. At the time, I was relieved, because I had been terrified of doing the scene, but looking back, if this happened now…how awesome would I be if I had powered through that setback and went to the workshop, with a slightly bruised face, and killed it? Or even if I had failed, I would still have been so proud of myself just for going when I had an excuse not to. Bailing on my scene partner meant he had to do a monologue, which I am sure he killed, because he is doing such amazing stuff right now, but I missed out on my chance to meet him, to work with him, to face my fears…

I bring all of this up because I have a habit of finding excuses to not do things that scare me. I made the decision to stop doing that, but it is still a constant struggle. Last night, I had 2 tickets to the Bright Young Things‘ A Motion Away and Where You Are Screening . I had been looking forward to it every since I bought the tickets at their last event in the Spring. Then my friend booked some work and could no longer accompany me. Then no one responded to the post where I tried to give the ticket away to someone in exchange for spending the evening with me. And then came the excuses.

I asked my mom if I should go, but I have learnt that she is extremely biased when asked to decide if I should go out and do something, or spend time with her. I put on the dress I planned on wearing incredibly early, hoping this would push me to go, but instead I started telling myself that if I spilt something on the dress, it would be a sign not to go (I was handling really sticky stuff, as well as frozen yogurt, so it was a possibility). By the time I had to get ready to leave, I had myself pretty convinced I was going to just stay home and watch all the Thursday night season premieres in my onesie while drinking tea.

The night I had planned sounded perfect, but, I knew I would regret it. And I had already started writing this blog post in my head, which I would never get to share if I didn’t go;) So I left my oh-so-tempting, lazy evening at home and drove to the theatre.

A big part of why I didn’t want to go is because I am terrible at networking. Or talking to people in general. So I apologize to anyone last night who was subjected to the awkward silences as I attempted to come up with something interesting to say. I am really good at the listening part. If you talk, I will be interested and absolutely love hearing all you have to say, but my brain hasn’t been able to figure this one out. That isn’t to say I haven’t been trying. At the last screening, I sort of latched on to a person I knew and mostly listened to her and her friends that I got introduced to (Which I super appreciated, and they were awesome).

This time, I still had some awkward silences, but I also really had an incredible time. Which I usually do, but there are normally moments where I stand alone in a corner, looking out at the room and hoping people assume I am waiting for someone. This time, I didn’t do that. The odds were slightly in my favor, because I knew a lot of the people who were there, but rather than smiling at those people from afar, I went up and talked to them. People I haven’t seen in years, like back when I was in CEGEP, or my first year of University. There were also people that I felt safe and comfortable talking to, which was wonderful, and made it a lot easier to talk to the people I didn’t know as well. By the time I took my seat, I had friends on either side. A few minutes into our host, Arthur Holden’s introduction, I actually thought to myself, “And I would have stayed home and missed this?” Because I love supporting the people I consider friends, and I love being a part of and celebrating the Montreal acting community. I laughed, I was touched, I was inspired. The films and the trailers were a joy to watch and I am so glad that I ended up going.

I am making these confessions for many reasons. One is to explain why you might walk away from a conversation with me thinking I don’t care, when I really just don’t know how to translate my interest into words. Another is to hopefully push myself to keep working on this and getting better at it all. But mostly, I thought I would share in case anyone else is out there, not going to things and making excuses, or going and standing alone in a corner because you haven’t figured it out either. You are not alone. And there is strength in numbers, so if you need backup, I’ll be in the other corner, slowly trying to mingle…

“I’m very shy and awkward. I think the best thing is to embrace it. It’s about accepting who you are and what you want to become and knowing all that you’ve got to work with, whether it’s good or bad.”

-Hunter Hayes